progress report

here's what i'd say at my own parent conference:

Your child has developed tremedous self-confidence this year. She seemed hesitant to get to know the other children. Sometimes her shyness created conflicts. But, really she has blossomed into a confident, proud and creative member of this class.

Yup. I'm on track. I'm so proud, happy to be a teacher. Having a substitute in for my assistant makes me feel especially confident. Coz, wow, things are working and going *smoothly* with just ME in charge of my pleasant little charges.

Woo for getting more training this summer! (That fullfills one of my goals)
Woo for observing 6-9 Montessori and learning more about Elem II! (more goals)
Woo for learning more about peace education via communications readings and pondering further anti-racist action. (in the planning stages, but set to complete by the end of the year)

Keep trying for the author studies. I lost some steam on these when I accidently thought Ezra Jack Keats was African-American, which is why I planned to study his work during Black History Month. Ooops. Yeah. Thinking Tana Hoban photography unit for NEXT school year, though. Should probly have two more at least. Thinking of a three little pigs or anansi study for the end of the year.

Keep trying for building the children's book collection. I just spend $50 on teacher books at the teacher store, though, so I'm on the right track. I am still in the idea gathering stages here that's for sure.

Go for it! for the digital album making. I'll try my best. This will have to happen this summer!

working hard and working too hard

I have a habit of working really hard on academic pursuits, and my biggest fear about montessori is that it really requires so much time to prepare the environment and come up with jobs and shop for materials and observe the children and talk to the parents. I really idealize that 9-5 schedule where once you are done work, you're done. But, I am pretty certain that is a myth. Even folks that work 9-5 still come home stressed about how they are treated at work, even if they don't have to physically sit at their computer and continue plugging away. And traditional teacher have loads of out of school work to complete, but they get socked with paper work and the latest mandated paperwasters, which hopefully i won't have to deal with as a montessorian.

I guess I'm just scared of the work. Like, am I really good enough for this? Can I really mantain the energy to keep doing this for a number of years? Will training be a "good investment"? What if I don't have what it takes to stick with this? Or what if I work my hardest and I'm still not as good a teacher as I want to be?

I really need to get over the self-doubt. Of course I can think like this, but I don't really have an indication of myself being an unskilled teacher. I work well with children all ready, and every year I'm learning plenty more about guidance and management, as well as instruction.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm really so incredibly tired of working with burnt out teachers that teach me what not to do. Is it worth it to work with someone who still has the magic before I'm in the position of having my own classroom? This seems like a big risk, too. Because will I be damning myself for giving up something I started?

Ah, thinking.

where have i been?

Not here, clearly. Long lost update. I'm settling into things at the school. It's amazing to feel stable after feeling like my ship was caught up in the Bermuda Triangle of "I'm totally not ready for this." Turns out there was just a learning curve to be dealt with over many, many days.

Things are settling and I'm getting to do curriculum that I am interested in, and I'm engaging the kiddos in new and exciting ways. I've really gotten to know most of my little ones and it's great to really see their personalities emerge as I get to know them and they get to know me.

I left work on Friday, walking up the avenue, feeling on top of the world. "I love my job," I got to say to myself with a giant smile.

Sure, there are challenges, there are plenty of things I can do better. But, I'm doing it, I CAN do it!

Now that I've got my confidence built back up, I can focus more on making this blog something meaningful and useful, rather than a vent-fest. I'm anticipating making some big changes over the holiday break with updates. Maintaining amonymity is really important because I want the option of "discussing" specific interactions with kids, so I have to see if I can still manage that while trying to honestly share the curriculum and themes that I focus on.

thanks to you and a story

Well, it's time for a wednesday/thursday update. I've spent two weeks blogging posts that I deem too much to post, so it's time to say thanks to the folks who have helped me through being a despairful teacher. I'm feeling a lot more at ease with myself in the classroom and I am slowly seeing the difference in my kids and the activities I plan. Things are working better. Meetings are going more smoothly. Transitions are happening because I don't stress about transitions happening.

Today I set limits for a 3.5 who has been very silly in the classroom and has trouble with the keep your whole body to yourself rule. She hadn't really had a time out before. She was flailing around with our peace flower and I asked her twice to get control and find work. Very calm. Very matter of fact. She was still reeling around when I asked her to come talk to me, so I approached her and took her hand and told her she had a time out. (Not a big deal in our class, you sit out for 2 minutes.)

"I am holding your hand because you are walking away when I am talking to you.
If I let go, can you stand still?"

She does.

"I am asking you to sit down in our time out spot. I would like you to walk there on your own. Can you do that?"

She does. I follow behind her. She makes it there on her own. My insides are jumping with glee, coz this is a little chica that likes the word "no" and it hasn't popped out once yet!!!

"You sit here for 2 minutes. When 2 minutes is up, you can go find a job. I will tell you when 2 minutes is up." [I'm looking for a sand timer so they can self-monitor...]

So here it gets wonky. She gets to the spot, but she doesn't want to sit on it. She gets this pouty look that must work on someone at home. She makes some whimpering sounds. She kind of hunches "near" the spot, then moves on her knees to the closest table where a friend is working. I'm not having it. When I see her off the spot, I so calmly go over towards her, look her right in the eye and say,

"You sit down HERE (gesture), and after two minutes you can go find a job. Two minutes starts when you are sitting in this spot."

Okay. So she sits. But she's touching stuff on the wall. I ask her to put back the stuff and wind up taking it out of her hands [this works with 3s, but not much older], and bygolly she starts sitting without touching. She probly makes it about 1.5 min and I call the 2, because she doesn't have a lot of limits at home and it was late in the day and I wanted this to be successful. But, she made it.

So interesting. She was, like, hungry for the control of being made to sit. Her body really was out of control before the time out. And she was tired and stressed and this was really a healthy thing for her. She was much more balenced after that and really behaved in the meeting time. Better than usual!

Yay! for when things work. And Yay for when they don't, coz that's how you learn!

I need to start recording this stuff beyond my blog though. Maybe 10 minutes of notes at the end of a day.

Things to Do

1. Yay for Columbus Day. 4 day week -- make a plan for everyday
2. Keep It Simple, Silly -- easy plans, basic plans, effective plans
3. ID two new activities specifically for 5s re: literacy or math skills
4. ID two new group activities for outdoor time
5. Carefully outline a plan for introducing a written set of rules for our program
6. Carefully outline any new materials that will go out and how to get them out quickly
7. Brainstorm transition activities that work for lining up and cleaning up
8. Group lesson on whether you should clean up or save a work
9. Group reminder on snack policies
10. Group lesson on
11. Figure out walking trip protocol and stick to it!
12. Brainstorm a concise description of my teaching approach for discussion purposes
13. Figure out a tie in material for new theme
14. Preview and select books for read aloud from theme books

More?

on being tired

Okay. So, I'm not bone-crushingly tired because of this teaching job. It's quite joyful, actually, when all of my lovely are engaged in work during the work period. Not tiring to see them working hard.

Me, however, I am tired of working too hard. In fact, working hard doesn't even really describe what exactly is occupying my intellect. Worrying hard would be a good way to describe it. Since when did obsessing over anything actual make it better?

I'm tired of things that are all talk, and I'm afraid that I'm turning out that way to. Look at me now, for example. Blah, blah, blah I'm having a hard time. Right? People and things that are all talk make me sad and mad coz I think of myself in this job.

I am tired of feeling overwhelmed with figuring out what's what. I am feeling terrified of parents. I am feeling terrified of my boss. I am waiting for either of these parties raise the flag of "this girl has no fucking clue" and I will just fall over in terror.

So, am I tired or terrified?

It's hard coz at 5pm, after 9 hours of school, my lovelies are trying their hardest, but I am hearing the whining and the attitude and the crying all come out. So, I shouldn't take this personally, I guess. I feel like doing all this at various points in the day.

I did try to have a quick, quick approach today and that helped with some of the chaotic transitions. As in me hurrying along with MY agenda and ignoring mild misbehavior helped smooth everyone's ride.

I am tired, also, from trying to be the mean teacher. It's not really working coz I'm scared to do it. Like I threaten removing privledges, but I'm shaking when I'm saying "you won't join us..." I don't look them in the eye. Or I feel so actually angry, that I say it harshly and angrily. Which isn't gonna work.

I've gotta take care to have more positive interactions. This really is the children's house, and I'd better not forget it. Maybe I oughta go read some old blogs about how much I care about kids and montessori, coz I need some motivation.

And I need a good project for tomorrow! Help!

Meanwhile, I'm tired of thinking about it and will watch some movies now. Notice that I did not do any school work besides this blog. Because, really, I get up very early and devote about an hour to school each morning. I feel like that's plenty, plus whatever weekend work.

That's one thing I'm happy about. At least I'm not loosing my mind about this job and I'm doing somethings for myself on the weeknights. I just also have it in my head that I'm too far on this side of things and I should be working harder, but I just don't know how because of my gross underqualifications. Agh, bad thinking. Faulty thinking.

Okay, so here's the eternal motivation: Thanks Amy, for this post.

I'm not underqualified. I am qualified. I am doing my best. I am taking it day by day. I am noticing my successes.

having fun and getting it done

hmmm, my heading here is more aspiration than reality.

I did practically no work this weekend. Why have all of my weekends felt that way. I write these Thursday night, Friday night posts and say, "Regroup over the weekend." And do I? I mean, my sanity comes back coz I have some good times with people I like that are over the age of 6, that's true. And I usually have spend ample time with the excercise I like. So, yes, I feel sane right now at 11pm on Sunday night. But, do I have a weeks worth of lessons ready to go?

No. No. No.

I remember talking with my assistant(here to know as A.T.) at the beginning of the year, and telling A.T. about my lesson planning formats and my theme ideas, and what I heard back was that last year that stuff didn't exist. They winged it everyday more or less, is what I gather. Or, just planned for each day without specific weekly goals. I couldn't really read whether A.T. thought this was effective or not, but A.T. did sound excited that I wanted to push thematic planning.

So, now that I'm into it. It seems like my idea of a theme is too much for the time of the program. Back to the "Keep It Simple, Stupid" concept (maybe "KIS, Silly" is kinder). Themes are great, chica, but it's gotta be REAL basic. As in, Pets, Buildings, Vehicles, Panda Bears. Not ecosytems and cities and things that go and endangered animals. Too much, for me AND them. I think we can embrace a sort of project-based focus, as long as we really hit on small themes in deep and varied ways.

So what would this look like for the coming week? I didn't get to the library this weekend. So, should I go tomorrow and dig up as much as I can. Should I change our format starting tomorrow? Shorten meetings and move them to later in the day? It's tricky coz I don't have to turn in my lesson plans to anyone at this job, so it's really all for me. Can I really take it day-by-day all week? I've been writing lessons on Sundays and totallly changing them by Wednesdays, so...in some senses, why bother...

I will probly get up plenty early tomorrow and leave time to keep thinking, but right now, I think I am handling things. I think having a positive attitude and relaxed disposition is really so much more important than trying to get every detail right. Where I feel I'm struggling, though, is really the bag of tricks aspect. Like during circle, I want more attention getters and cooler songs that I actually know the words to...How can a person forget the words to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... I swear, I am an embarassment to the profession when it comes to forgetting song lyrics. <> right? How do I forget that!

Also, for work time, I need to know more materials. But, this could be remedied by reviewing albums from other teachers at school. And the circle time thing could be remedied by a trip to the bookstore to get "transition tips and tricks" kinds of books.

Maybe instead of lesson planning, I should start "Directress' Bag of Tricks Book" and have sections for songs, rhymes, materials, transition stuff, outdoor games. Hmmm....stream of consciousness has resulted in a good idea.

Woo! Yeah, and that's something I could save for future years! YeahYeahYeah!

But meanwhile, and for tomorrow. I gotta put together the original exercise I've had in mind and get done some housekeeping kinds of paper work. Also, an art activity for Tuesday. Brainstorm for ingedients/materials for this weeks projects. Also, if I'm gonna go project based, I think I want to solicit ideas from the kids about what we should study. And, still, behaviors fine in the scheme of things, but I can continue to lay down the law in more effective and fair ways. I have that ability. :)

I am still alive (or Week 1)

Oh, my. Almost through it. The first loooong week. The first week of all the children who will actually be in my class. Here's the raw story:

Wow. Monday I wanted to pull hair out, collapse in the bed. Three unknown kids added to my roster. Room in disaray. Tuesday I wanted to cry, melt, collapse. Child on verge of breakdown, and maximum enrollment really straining, having shift recess because of open house. 3s that don't talk and wet themselves. Both nights I was sleepless on both sides of midnight. Wednesday I cried walking to work and really thought I might have to leave the building with an escort for having a breakdown in class.

And then, something amazing happened. We had a day that was okay. Not great. Not amazing. But, okay. No tears really. Timely pickups. A meeting that more or less worked. Children focusing on room tasks.

And today. Again. Okay. That's all I can really shoot for at this point. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants trying to learn the new school cultures and the personalities of kids that know each other very well. It's always hard being the new comer.

I've accepted that this week, I'll do my lesson planning early the next morning. And it'll work. I have the weekend to regroup and reevaluate my growing store of ideas based on what I've assessed this week. Then, maybe I'll do something that resembles a weekly lesson plan BEFORE Monday.

The task right now: Keep It Simple, Stupid. I know I'm not stupid. But, I'm NEW. NEW teacher. Hi. I get a special name tag. I am sooooo NEW. I watched myself make mistakes this week. But, I'm not beating myself up over it. There's so much to adjust to, intital ideas won't always work the first time.

I also am really impressing myself by trusting my instincts. I was planning on doing a favorite song of mine that I haven't tried with kids before, and feeling the mood of the group I could tell it wasn't going to work today. It was a rainy day. Less recess, still an awkward transition to my group time. So, I scrapped it and did a song we tried yesterday. And they still loved it.

I feel confident. They were so giggly and excited today. My soul feels warm seeing the genuinness of my students. They are so giving to one another. So honest. Many of them come from homes where feelings are discussed. I had a 3 year old use words today to describe how he felt getting squished in line. Amazing. I have so much to work with, the skies the limit. If I can just get procedure and management down these next couple weeks, I'll have these kiddos flying high. We can do amazing projects, I just know it. I just have to really work on building the class community.

I really slipped into a sense of ease today. This job won't be easy, but it won't be overwhelming. This is a job I can do. I am qualified for this. I really don't have to doubt this anymore, like I was the first few days. This week has been about holding on for dear life in a lot of ways, but next week will be about community, respect, "all about me" goodness. YEAH!

I'm glad I could shift perspective so readily. Not to say I won't let myself feel scared and overwhelmed at times, but I think I can let my excitement, curiousity, enthusiasm, happiness and love pour out all over the giggles and intellect. To begin, I was feeling scared of the kids, scared of getting back into this field after a little break. Scared that this somehow isn't what I want, even though I've been striving for it really since college and I was holding myself back. Maybe this isn't all I'll ever do, but this should be damn well exciting for at least a year. I'll learn a lot, you know. You always do. And I might even be able to get the point for once. :)

overwhelmed good and bad

Wow. So this is what it feels like to be overwhelmed.

By this, I mean weird headachiness that starts at neck and travels throughout skull and rests right behind the eyes.

Not good.

On the otherhand, not bad. Just a symptom of all kinds of newness. And new things aren't negative at all, just a lot to handle.

It's been the first day on the job, although I'm minding kids not in their final arrangement. Today was one of these kinds of phase-in dealies that Montessori favors.

Wow. Back to kids. They really are all the same, all the world over. This bunch is just a bit more verbal than most of my past charges. The mixed age group is a challenge without all the materials out and about. I knew it was coming, but it's still a shock to have a 5 who's in the 3rd year at the school and then a 3 who doesn't even know where the bathroom is or how to use it...don't worry, no accidents on day 1, just some confusions about flushing (when and how). :)

So, on that note: Things to remember for procedures tomorrow and in the future:

Bathroom:

• We shut the door. Does it have to lock? NO.
  
• We make sure the toliet is flushed. If not, please flush it.
  
• How much toliet paper do you take? This much!!!
• How many times do we flush? 1!!!!
• Who can show me how to turn on the water? A little or a lot? A little!!!
  
• How much soap do you take? More than one squirt? NO!!!
• This is how you turn off the water. I do it quick to save water.
  
• This is how you take a paper towel. Two hands, tug. Start with one. Take 2 at the most. We need to save them coz they come from trees, let's not waste. (If you want to play with paper we have drawing and collage paper! Woo!)
  

Playing at the sink is funny business. We don't do funny business in the bathroom. We can have fun with water out on the playdeck. And we will! Or at the fountain nearby!

Yup. yup. Also critical is me eating. I love ECE coz meals are family style and this is fun, but I hate that it messes up when the growup eats. It's hard to enjoy your meal when you have to get up to take care of spills and yogurts that won't open. Self-care, right? So tomorrow I eat a real lunch and hopefully avoid some of the head spinningness feelings. I also want to get to school even earlier to prepare my materials ALL ahead of time. It's been rainy today and I want plenty of indoor stuff to do if we are stuck inside for the morning. I'm putting off the planning until tomorrow. I htink out of stubbornness. Coz yesterday it was silly to plan the night before w/o knowing that the weather would be sucking.

I need to watch my interactions with the kids, keep it really positive. And UP MY ENERGY. But, down my talking. I felt really fatigued yesterday and it's coz I couldn't settle in coz my schedule got changed early in the morning (but only a few minutes before kids were arriving). So, I kind of spent the day feeling like I was holding on for dear life coz the day went so much differently than planned. But, it worked out. I just wound up changing my mind in front of the kids at least twice and I don't like that during the first week. Coz literally, I've never been to some rooms in this school that we wound up in. I guess that is my own lack of prep, I should see where class is held. It just wound up that a lot was up in the air...it will be clearer tomorrow. I am angry, though, at my admin for leaving things so loose without giving me more warning, but I'm also angry at myself for not planning for this somewhat obvious possibility. I'm also angry for taking a job where "flexibility" was stressed so much in the sales pitch. But, I didn't have that many other options, and my best other option would have involved tremendous flexibility, as well. So, I'd better keep that in mind!

So, to bed and I will plan when I can assess the sky. PS, headache feeling better! venting on that page is good medicine!

job job job job job :)

It's taken a little while for it to sink in, and classes are out for the summer, but I GOT A TEACHING JOB. AT A MONTESSORI SCHOOL. WOOOOO!

Anticipation and anxiety storm away. I know I can do it, but it is so much. First years are always hard, as are new jobs. Hopefully, this blog will be a great release from the pressures and worries and give me clarity about my development.

I'm debating what and how much to blog about concerning classroom life. Advice?