I am still alive (or Week 1)

Oh, my. Almost through it. The first loooong week. The first week of all the children who will actually be in my class. Here's the raw story:

Wow. Monday I wanted to pull hair out, collapse in the bed. Three unknown kids added to my roster. Room in disaray. Tuesday I wanted to cry, melt, collapse. Child on verge of breakdown, and maximum enrollment really straining, having shift recess because of open house. 3s that don't talk and wet themselves. Both nights I was sleepless on both sides of midnight. Wednesday I cried walking to work and really thought I might have to leave the building with an escort for having a breakdown in class.

And then, something amazing happened. We had a day that was okay. Not great. Not amazing. But, okay. No tears really. Timely pickups. A meeting that more or less worked. Children focusing on room tasks.

And today. Again. Okay. That's all I can really shoot for at this point. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants trying to learn the new school cultures and the personalities of kids that know each other very well. It's always hard being the new comer.

I've accepted that this week, I'll do my lesson planning early the next morning. And it'll work. I have the weekend to regroup and reevaluate my growing store of ideas based on what I've assessed this week. Then, maybe I'll do something that resembles a weekly lesson plan BEFORE Monday.

The task right now: Keep It Simple, Stupid. I know I'm not stupid. But, I'm NEW. NEW teacher. Hi. I get a special name tag. I am sooooo NEW. I watched myself make mistakes this week. But, I'm not beating myself up over it. There's so much to adjust to, intital ideas won't always work the first time.

I also am really impressing myself by trusting my instincts. I was planning on doing a favorite song of mine that I haven't tried with kids before, and feeling the mood of the group I could tell it wasn't going to work today. It was a rainy day. Less recess, still an awkward transition to my group time. So, I scrapped it and did a song we tried yesterday. And they still loved it.

I feel confident. They were so giggly and excited today. My soul feels warm seeing the genuinness of my students. They are so giving to one another. So honest. Many of them come from homes where feelings are discussed. I had a 3 year old use words today to describe how he felt getting squished in line. Amazing. I have so much to work with, the skies the limit. If I can just get procedure and management down these next couple weeks, I'll have these kiddos flying high. We can do amazing projects, I just know it. I just have to really work on building the class community.

I really slipped into a sense of ease today. This job won't be easy, but it won't be overwhelming. This is a job I can do. I am qualified for this. I really don't have to doubt this anymore, like I was the first few days. This week has been about holding on for dear life in a lot of ways, but next week will be about community, respect, "all about me" goodness. YEAH!

I'm glad I could shift perspective so readily. Not to say I won't let myself feel scared and overwhelmed at times, but I think I can let my excitement, curiousity, enthusiasm, happiness and love pour out all over the giggles and intellect. To begin, I was feeling scared of the kids, scared of getting back into this field after a little break. Scared that this somehow isn't what I want, even though I've been striving for it really since college and I was holding myself back. Maybe this isn't all I'll ever do, but this should be damn well exciting for at least a year. I'll learn a lot, you know. You always do. And I might even be able to get the point for once. :)