03 October 2006

on being tired

Okay. So, I'm not bone-crushingly tired because of this teaching job. It's quite joyful, actually, when all of my lovely are engaged in work during the work period. Not tiring to see them working hard.

Me, however, I am tired of working too hard. In fact, working hard doesn't even really describe what exactly is occupying my intellect. Worrying hard would be a good way to describe it. Since when did obsessing over anything actual make it better?

I'm tired of things that are all talk, and I'm afraid that I'm turning out that way to. Look at me now, for example. Blah, blah, blah I'm having a hard time. Right? People and things that are all talk make me sad and mad coz I think of myself in this job.

I am tired of feeling overwhelmed with figuring out what's what. I am feeling terrified of parents. I am feeling terrified of my boss. I am waiting for either of these parties raise the flag of "this girl has no fucking clue" and I will just fall over in terror.

So, am I tired or terrified?

It's hard coz at 5pm, after 9 hours of school, my lovelies are trying their hardest, but I am hearing the whining and the attitude and the crying all come out. So, I shouldn't take this personally, I guess. I feel like doing all this at various points in the day.

I did try to have a quick, quick approach today and that helped with some of the chaotic transitions. As in me hurrying along with MY agenda and ignoring mild misbehavior helped smooth everyone's ride.

I am tired, also, from trying to be the mean teacher. It's not really working coz I'm scared to do it. Like I threaten removing privledges, but I'm shaking when I'm saying "you won't join us..." I don't look them in the eye. Or I feel so actually angry, that I say it harshly and angrily. Which isn't gonna work.

I've gotta take care to have more positive interactions. This really is the children's house, and I'd better not forget it. Maybe I oughta go read some old blogs about how much I care about kids and montessori, coz I need some motivation.

And I need a good project for tomorrow! Help!

Meanwhile, I'm tired of thinking about it and will watch some movies now. Notice that I did not do any school work besides this blog. Because, really, I get up very early and devote about an hour to school each morning. I feel like that's plenty, plus whatever weekend work.

That's one thing I'm happy about. At least I'm not loosing my mind about this job and I'm doing somethings for myself on the weeknights. I just also have it in my head that I'm too far on this side of things and I should be working harder, but I just don't know how because of my gross underqualifications. Agh, bad thinking. Faulty thinking.

Okay, so here's the eternal motivation: Thanks Amy, for this post.

I'm not underqualified. I am qualified. I am doing my best. I am taking it day by day. I am noticing my successes.

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