I am still alive (or Week 1)

Oh, my. Almost through it. The first loooong week. The first week of all the children who will actually be in my class. Here's the raw story:

Wow. Monday I wanted to pull hair out, collapse in the bed. Three unknown kids added to my roster. Room in disaray. Tuesday I wanted to cry, melt, collapse. Child on verge of breakdown, and maximum enrollment really straining, having shift recess because of open house. 3s that don't talk and wet themselves. Both nights I was sleepless on both sides of midnight. Wednesday I cried walking to work and really thought I might have to leave the building with an escort for having a breakdown in class.

And then, something amazing happened. We had a day that was okay. Not great. Not amazing. But, okay. No tears really. Timely pickups. A meeting that more or less worked. Children focusing on room tasks.

And today. Again. Okay. That's all I can really shoot for at this point. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants trying to learn the new school cultures and the personalities of kids that know each other very well. It's always hard being the new comer.

I've accepted that this week, I'll do my lesson planning early the next morning. And it'll work. I have the weekend to regroup and reevaluate my growing store of ideas based on what I've assessed this week. Then, maybe I'll do something that resembles a weekly lesson plan BEFORE Monday.

The task right now: Keep It Simple, Stupid. I know I'm not stupid. But, I'm NEW. NEW teacher. Hi. I get a special name tag. I am sooooo NEW. I watched myself make mistakes this week. But, I'm not beating myself up over it. There's so much to adjust to, intital ideas won't always work the first time.

I also am really impressing myself by trusting my instincts. I was planning on doing a favorite song of mine that I haven't tried with kids before, and feeling the mood of the group I could tell it wasn't going to work today. It was a rainy day. Less recess, still an awkward transition to my group time. So, I scrapped it and did a song we tried yesterday. And they still loved it.

I feel confident. They were so giggly and excited today. My soul feels warm seeing the genuinness of my students. They are so giving to one another. So honest. Many of them come from homes where feelings are discussed. I had a 3 year old use words today to describe how he felt getting squished in line. Amazing. I have so much to work with, the skies the limit. If I can just get procedure and management down these next couple weeks, I'll have these kiddos flying high. We can do amazing projects, I just know it. I just have to really work on building the class community.

I really slipped into a sense of ease today. This job won't be easy, but it won't be overwhelming. This is a job I can do. I am qualified for this. I really don't have to doubt this anymore, like I was the first few days. This week has been about holding on for dear life in a lot of ways, but next week will be about community, respect, "all about me" goodness. YEAH!

I'm glad I could shift perspective so readily. Not to say I won't let myself feel scared and overwhelmed at times, but I think I can let my excitement, curiousity, enthusiasm, happiness and love pour out all over the giggles and intellect. To begin, I was feeling scared of the kids, scared of getting back into this field after a little break. Scared that this somehow isn't what I want, even though I've been striving for it really since college and I was holding myself back. Maybe this isn't all I'll ever do, but this should be damn well exciting for at least a year. I'll learn a lot, you know. You always do. And I might even be able to get the point for once. :)

overwhelmed good and bad

Wow. So this is what it feels like to be overwhelmed.

By this, I mean weird headachiness that starts at neck and travels throughout skull and rests right behind the eyes.

Not good.

On the otherhand, not bad. Just a symptom of all kinds of newness. And new things aren't negative at all, just a lot to handle.

It's been the first day on the job, although I'm minding kids not in their final arrangement. Today was one of these kinds of phase-in dealies that Montessori favors.

Wow. Back to kids. They really are all the same, all the world over. This bunch is just a bit more verbal than most of my past charges. The mixed age group is a challenge without all the materials out and about. I knew it was coming, but it's still a shock to have a 5 who's in the 3rd year at the school and then a 3 who doesn't even know where the bathroom is or how to use it...don't worry, no accidents on day 1, just some confusions about flushing (when and how). :)

So, on that note: Things to remember for procedures tomorrow and in the future:

Bathroom:

• We shut the door. Does it have to lock? NO.
  
• We make sure the toliet is flushed. If not, please flush it.
  
• How much toliet paper do you take? This much!!!
• How many times do we flush? 1!!!!
• Who can show me how to turn on the water? A little or a lot? A little!!!
  
• How much soap do you take? More than one squirt? NO!!!
• This is how you turn off the water. I do it quick to save water.
  
• This is how you take a paper towel. Two hands, tug. Start with one. Take 2 at the most. We need to save them coz they come from trees, let's not waste. (If you want to play with paper we have drawing and collage paper! Woo!)
  

Playing at the sink is funny business. We don't do funny business in the bathroom. We can have fun with water out on the playdeck. And we will! Or at the fountain nearby!

Yup. yup. Also critical is me eating. I love ECE coz meals are family style and this is fun, but I hate that it messes up when the growup eats. It's hard to enjoy your meal when you have to get up to take care of spills and yogurts that won't open. Self-care, right? So tomorrow I eat a real lunch and hopefully avoid some of the head spinningness feelings. I also want to get to school even earlier to prepare my materials ALL ahead of time. It's been rainy today and I want plenty of indoor stuff to do if we are stuck inside for the morning. I'm putting off the planning until tomorrow. I htink out of stubbornness. Coz yesterday it was silly to plan the night before w/o knowing that the weather would be sucking.

I need to watch my interactions with the kids, keep it really positive. And UP MY ENERGY. But, down my talking. I felt really fatigued yesterday and it's coz I couldn't settle in coz my schedule got changed early in the morning (but only a few minutes before kids were arriving). So, I kind of spent the day feeling like I was holding on for dear life coz the day went so much differently than planned. But, it worked out. I just wound up changing my mind in front of the kids at least twice and I don't like that during the first week. Coz literally, I've never been to some rooms in this school that we wound up in. I guess that is my own lack of prep, I should see where class is held. It just wound up that a lot was up in the air...it will be clearer tomorrow. I am angry, though, at my admin for leaving things so loose without giving me more warning, but I'm also angry at myself for not planning for this somewhat obvious possibility. I'm also angry for taking a job where "flexibility" was stressed so much in the sales pitch. But, I didn't have that many other options, and my best other option would have involved tremendous flexibility, as well. So, I'd better keep that in mind!

So, to bed and I will plan when I can assess the sky. PS, headache feeling better! venting on that page is good medicine!